5-26-2003

To my beloved son Shawn,

It’s been two years since you left us.  Sometimes the pain of your death is unbearable.  I miss your presence, I miss talking to you.  I wish I had held you more.  I wish I could hold you now.  I can only hope that there is life after death so I can be with you again.  Until then, I can exist by remembering the many years that you graced my life.

I remember when you were born.  That day was filled with so many emotions.  There was so much joy, pride, anxiety and fear.  I didn’t know how to be a father and I knew it was an awesome responsibility.  I know I made many mistakes and I am so sorry for all of them.  I rarely told you how much I love you.  And I still do love you, Shawn.  I will always love you.  I did not tell you how proud I am of you.  I was proud of you!  I was proud of the child you were and the man you became.  You showed great honor and integrity in difficult times.  I am proud of how you tried to take responsibility for Ethan.  I can’t imagine how difficult that was for you.  I am sorry that I didn’t help you with your problems, especially at the end.  I was hurt and selfishly wanted you to apologize before I would forgive and help you.  That was very childish of me.  I didn’t realize how you were hurting.  I should have gone to you. I should have acted like a father.

I will never forget the night you called asking to move home.  I believe you couldn’t tell me you had lost your job because you didn’t want me to think you couldn’t pay your way.  If I had loaned you rent money you would have to be employed to pay me back.  When Roger told me you had been fired, I should have called you back.  I am sorry I didn’t let you move back home.  I know that must have hurt you deeply.

I hope you are with mom and dad and will try to forgive me. I have long ago forgiven you for your mistakes.  I look forward to the time when we can be together again.  I love you Shawn.

Your dad.