Chapter 7: Finale.
It is hard to think that there is anything after the death of your only child. But there were signs from immediately after his death that his spirit continues. Sylvia swears that she heard his voice saying, "Don't cry mom, I'm OK." And a music box that you once played with as a child start playing music even though it had not been wound in over ten years.
At the funeral we talked with many people who knew Shawn and indicated that he had been a positive influence on their lives. Friends and family recalled numerous stories of Shawn as he grew from a tiny baby into a young man. It was too painful to stay home so we threw ourselves back into our jobs just days after Shawn's funeral. For a long time, life simply did not make sense and we were both in a state of shock. We operated on "auto-pilot" and simply went through the motions of living. We could not talk about our loss to others and did not seek professional counseling. It was about a year before we started to attend meetings on grief and began to process our feelings. Two groups helped in the grieving process, the grief support group at the local hospital and Compassionate Friends.
We found out after the fact that Shawn had been drinking heavily and trying various drugs. He also had a hard time keeping a job and managing his money. He and his girlfriend hid the problems from us even when we asked them directly.
Shawn had gotten close to the brother of the girlfriend. Shawn treated him like the brother he never had. Unfortunately, the brother would not stay on his medication for mental illness. He was determined to take his own life and had been hospitalized a number of times. The brother managed to order drugs over the internet and planned to use them to take his own life. The brother's father found the drugs but did not have his son committed again. Instead, he simply tossed the drugs into the trash can.
Somehow, Shawn came into the possession of those drugs. His girlfriend knew about this but did not tell anyone. In fact, she would take small amounts of the drug with Shawn for recreation. Six weeks before Shawn died, the brother got a shotgun and blew his head off. Shawn was devastated. After the fact, we found out that he had stated that he felt the brother had "found the way out."
They say that suicide is not the result of any one event but an accumulation of many negative events. Here was someone living with a girl who got pregnant by another man and then threatened to prevent Shawn from seeing her or the baby if he didn't "support" her. The girlfriend's parents were constantly harassing Shawn to do the "right" thing and take responsibility for the girlfriend and the baby. They did not care whether the baby was really his. Add to this the use of alcohol and drugs, the inability to keep a steady job, the loss of his apartment and strained relations with his own parents. Finally, the brother, who he considered his best friend, commits suicide and Shawn is in possession of the very drugs the brother was going to use to kill himself.
I asked the girlfriend why she didn't tell us that Shawn had been drinking and using drugs. I asked why she didn't tell us that Shawn had lost his job, especially when they were both at our house the Sunday before he died. She said that Shawn had told her not to tell us and that was probably true. I also thought it was because she was also drinking and taking drugs and felt guilty. But I felt there had to be more. I had told Shawn that once the baby was born, we could have a paternity test done to see if the baby was his. But as soon as the baby was born, she had Shawn sign a document acknowledging that he was the father. I am convinced now that she believed, if the lines of communication remained open, we would still pay for the paternity test and she would lose Shawn.
For some time after his death we had to deal with the father of the girlfriend trying to get money back from us that he had supposedly loaned Shawn even though he had no proof of ever loaning Shawn anything. He also wanted us to help with the expenses of the girlfriend's child. However, when we found out later through a paternity test, that the child the girlfriend had was not Shawn's, all contact with that family ended.
There are times that the sight of a young boy or a certain piece of music brings a wave grief. Holidays are especially difficult. But it does no good to focus only on the tragic end to Shawn's life. We attempt to remember the many happy years that he added joy and excitement to our lives. The pain of losing Shawn comes from the joy of having known him. I would not give that experience up for anything.
Do not stand by my grave and weep
by Mary E. Frye
Do not stand at my grave and weep:
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the softly falling snow,
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the field of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the grateful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight.
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom.
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing.
I am in each lovely thing.
So do not stand by my grave and cry.
I am not there...I did not die.
-
Please note: Throughout the years, this poem has appeared in many places and in many forms. There is claim that the original was written in 1942 by Baltimorean Mary Frye on the back of a brown paper bag. Frye wrote the poem for a friend whose mother had died in Germany; the daughter had been unable to attend the funeral because of World War II.
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| A Letter to Shawn - 26 May 2003 | A Father's Day Letter to Shawn - 2003 |
| Tomorrow Never Comes | Death Takes No Holiday |